Well here we are, just a little more than a week before Christmas, and let me say right up front, I know some of you have been sitting pretty and sipping cocoa in some sort of blissful state of holiday preparedness, without a care in the world, since August. Clearly this post is not for you. But for the rest of us… I mean you, read on, because you and I both know it’s “go time”, as we have officially crossed over into that annual gauntlet of FULL BLOWN FOUR ALARM CHRISTMAS PANIC MODE. You know what I’m talking about.
There’s a lot to pack into these next ten days, so as a public service I have compiled a helpful list to help you crash and burn in style.
It’s the least I could do. (btw, I have never done any of these things myself… but I do hear stories…)
TOP TEN WAYS TO ENSURE YOUR HOLIDAYS ARE NO FUN… FOR ANYONE.
- Try to do ALL the things. All the time. All the parties. All the cookies. All the cards. All the good deeds. Cause a stressed you is a blessed you. 👼
And goodness knows if you don’t get it all done, the world as you know it will surely fall apart. In epic fashion. And you don’t want that on your head, do you? I didn’t think so.
- Strive for absolute PERFECTION. In addition to (or instead of, your call) doing ALL the things, please, by all means, do your level best to BE YE PERFECT. And by PERCECT, I mean it’s not the thought that counts, bub. They don’t give Gold medals to losers at the Olympics now do they? Why should you be any different? A PERFECTLY clean (and decked) house is what the people demand. PERFECT cut out cookies. A PERFECTLY decorated tree. Instagram worthy wrapping on all the PERFECTLY curated gifts for everyone on your list. And of course, the PERFECT Spotify playlist (which I just happen to have made, here you go 😁) Anything less, and it just isn’t Christmas. Obviously.
- When in doubt, remember excess is your friend. Excessive spending, excessive eating, excessive drinking… you get the idea. Nothing fills that holiday void like overindulging. Carpe Diem baby! What could possibly go wrong?
Speaking of filling voids, remember…
- By all means, make it all about you. Because if you don’t, who will? The trick is, of course, you don’t want to make this obvious, because if they see you coming, they’ll just deflect and try to make it all about them… and who wants that? This is your show. There are no costars. Now the good news is, this can be done in very clever, clandestine ways, such as casually slipping into conversations how tired you are from all the shopping and cooking and good-deed-doing you’re doing…
Or, if you’re reeeeeally good, you don’t have to say a word… just wear yourself out to the point of exhaustion, and then POOF! Center. Of. Attention. 🌟
But if that doesn’t work, kick it up a notch, and…
- Complain. A lot. About everything. Aint no party like a party-poopin party! The more whining the better, I always say. Because if your holiday has to be less than perfect you owe it to yourself and everyone else to make sure theirs is, too!
Oh, and along those lines…
6. Be sure to virtue signal. Let’s face it, the holiday season is nothing if not an opportunity to let the world know how much more you care than they do about what really matters. And we know. You care. So, so much more. You win! 🏆
Now pay attention, cause this next one’s really important…
7. At all costs, hold on to grudges as long as possible, and do everything in your power to avoid making amends with estranged loved ones. I mean, what’s the point? You know they’re wrong and you’re right. Don’t let all the feel good vibes of the season make you temporarily weak, and do something stupid like hold out an olive branch. Stay strong!
In fact, if you’re really in it to win it, you might want to consider…
8. Avoid smiling, and/or general gracious human interaction when at all possible.
Fortunately that’s much easier to do these days, thanks to mask mandates. Nonetheless, it’s really helpful to remind yourself that the person next to you in line, or waiting on you in whatever capacity, is nothing more than the function they serve in helping you live your best life. And if they become an obstacle, well, I think we all know what they deserve.
Of course, if you don’t have the time or energy for any of the above, there’s always this great little default gem…
9. Be afraid. Do nothing. Stay safe. These are trying times, and you don’t need me to tell you all the scary things out there… disease… people… The Christmas Shoes song… But it doesn’t matter what you’re afraid of, or why, as long as you’re afraid, and as long as that fear keeps you from taking any risks whatsoever, because, after all the main point in life is to be safe from everything at all costs, even if it means a sterile, vapid existence. Duh. Bonus points for convincing others to be afraid as well, and triple bonus points for shaming those idiots who aren’t as afraid as you are.
10. Finally, and most importantly, try to remember that none of the good and beautiful parts of the Christmas season can be done or experienced at any other time of the year. Sure, there’s a few days of goodwill spillover between the 26th & New Year’s Day… but the very idea of giving gifts, showing kindness & good will, singing joyous songs and adorning our homes in light, love and warm hospitality beyond January 1 is pure craziness. What are you even thinking???
Well, I hope this has been helpful. And if for some reason you actually DON’T want your holidays to be a disaster, okaaaayyyyy…. whatever.
Here’s a little holiday message (by Liz Curry) to help you… I mean us recalibrate. Even if we think we’ve blown it. Because when you think about it, that’s kind of the whole reason for Christmas: Jesus came to be with us, because we blew it… so we can come to Him.
O come all faithful
O come all ye faithless
O come all ye joyful
O come all ye anxious
O come all ye weighed down by sorrow or grief
O come all ye stressed and unable to sleep
O come all ye angry, resentful, ashamed
Come if you are trapped in deep physical pain
O come all ye shaken by terrible loss
or wondering if living is worth what it costs
O come all estranged from your family or friends
Come whether embittered or seeking amends
O come all ye lonely, yearning to belong
Come if you’re convinced that religion is wrong
O come all ye spiteful, annoying and rude
Come all with addictions
Come in any mood
O come all ye vengeful, O come all ye hurt
By someone you trusted, someone in the Church
Come all ye in debt, all financially beat
Come if you feel crushed in despair and defeat
O come all ye broken, in bondage in doubt
Come all heavy laden, come all, come out
And where do we come with our burdens, where to?
O come to the One who first came for you
Emmanuel, God with us, Messiah King
Comfort and healing to mankind He brings
He brings no disgrace, condemnation or shame
He knows you
He loves you
He calls you by name
No matter your struggle, pain or malady
He comes to restore you
He comes to set free
Those living in darkness have seen a great Light
This is hope eternal
The Mass of the Christ.
– by Elizabeth Curry
(oh yeah, she’s my niece… and a guest blogger.
Here’s another post she shared here!)